Friends

Had been contemplating for quite some time on whether to blog this entry or not. But oh wells, here it goes.

There are many different level of friends. Bff, close friend, good friend, normal friend, buddy, hi-bye friend, etc. But this entry, is dedicated to my different best friends. As the saying goes, Friends come and go. You gain some, you lose some but some are destined to stay. I totally agree on that and that's why I'm putting it down in words.

Have you ever felt that you are losing your best friend to someone else? And that, there's always other people who wants to be even best-er friends with your best friend than you? Or wants to share your best friend with you?

I don't know why, but it happens to me every single time at the different stages of my life. All throughout my life, the number of guy friends I have, greatly shadowed the number of girl friends I have. I do not have the kind of girly girl group which most girls have. A bunch of girls to share secrets, joke around with, hang out around with, and have stayovers. I admit I crave for such friendships, but I doubt I will be able to fit in.

Anyway, in Primary school, some female classmate claims that Amy (my best friend) is also her best friend. I used to have this thought that whoever can run the fastest or whoever can finish the 1.2km run faster than the other, can claim the friendship of the best friend. (Childish right? That's when I was in primary school). But of course, I never did voice out. Then in P5 and P6, I dont know why, but I gradually got closer to another classmate, Pegan. But I think that, I seemed to be some tag along to her rather than her best friend. Kinda pathetic, now that I think back.

In Secondary school, in S1 & S2, everyone just hung out as a big group. Can't really remember whether at that time, do I have any best friend or not. Then in S3 & S4, my best friend will definitely be Wee Yong. We always walk out of school together, go to Kallang Mac to have our daily dose of 2 large fries, 2 packets of mayonnaise, 14 packets of garlic chilli and 1 large coke, go to her house to hang out, etc. Then after Os, she drifted away from me when she got together with her boyfriend. She was working at Country Manna at Suntec, and whenever she have off days, she will be out with her bf. So, there goes the friendship. Of course we are still friends, but it's a completely different friendship. Uptil today, I still do regret that I just let the friendship whiled away instead of grabbing hold of it.

In poly, obviously I got on very good terms with her, which everyone seems to know. But I think because of some circumstances, we drifted apart and again, everyone seems to be able to tell. Sometimes I feel intimidated by her because she is so much more knowledgable than me, more fashionable than me. The girls which she eventually got close to her, is much more in the same world as her, compared to me. I chose not to join their group because I do not really like one of the girls. And also, I was hanging out as friends with her ex, which might have made the situation worse. Slowly, I got even closer to Nica, which I had found out that she is in the same circle and frequency as me. And somehow, she seems to understand me. And eventually after all these years, I knew that Nica is the friend who is destined to stay with me. Of course, I still do feel insecure that I might lose her whenever she meets new friends during her partying nights. But well, I can't really explain why, but I know she will always be around, no matter what.

Then there's this friend which I think he is destined to stay for long too, even though he is happily attached now. I had failed him before, choosing my ex over his friendship. Which till now, I deeply regret. A deeper regret than Wee Yong's case. He of course had forgiven me. But I have never forgave myself for that. I don't think I ever will. It will serve as a reminder to me forever. He had sticked by me through my ups and downs and always stick out his helping hand to me when I need it.

Seriously, I think I have a problem in maintaining friendship. I do not know whether I'm a good friend or not. Cos I admit I will go 'missing' for awhile without contacting any friends and only sticking together with Dan. But seems like, Nica always 'forgive' me for that. Maybe, maybe all these that had happened, is all my fault. My fault for not putting in more effort in maintaining friendships... Maybe I'm selfish.

And now, I have only a few close/good friends, which I think is more than I deserved. And I greatly appreciate them for their presence in my life. To, Admiral Alsmoker.